In the future (past), society began to re-asses the utility of being online. The internet (as we know it) develops in a series of cycles. In time, we learn that during certain cycles, it becomes more valuable to utilize the internet to hide oneself as opposed to promote oneself (inversion).
-Mister Volatility

After a conference call with my assistant, Tonya, I am still uncertain if I own any preferred shares of Twitter. Trading public markets is like venture capital with one caveat—timeframe. Venture investors trade over periods of years. Mister Volatility (that’s me) invests in ventures himself and has, from time to time, lent money to VC firms to participate in their arbitrage. Private equity is a longer timeframe trade. In public market trading there is sufficient liquidity on smaller timeframes (scales), down to the millisecond. These micro scales present results to the exponential–so I must build models to trade them. The liquidity cycle of Venture Capital is much longer. Given the variance in timeframes my investment focus is dual: Private equity on in the longer frame and public (liquid) markets on the shorter.

I do not own any direct shares of Twitter—but it is possible that I own some through a fund. The reason Tonya doesn’t know is because she doesn’t know everything about me. If there is one imperative I can impart about assistants, even the great ones, it is this: keep some secrets.

Anyway, what I am saying is that I want to buy shares of Twitter, even if I already own some. If I already have some, I’d like more. I understand there are shares for sale at Sharepost.com, and I instructed Tonya to take care of it. Unfortunately, she said the website will not accept my registration because The Tinker Factory does not release it’s physical addresses, and an address is required. Therefore, if anyone is interested in selling me shares, please come by the office sooner rather than later. I am an internet analyst after all, and my analysis reveals that the market cap of Twitter will surpass that of Google. In fact, it will be the second largest company in the world (as measured by market cap). We will talk about the first largest company in the world later, but I’ll give you a hint: think automated distribution and green energy. (But don’t limit yourself to the typical definition of clean and efficient power. Might not “green energy” refer to banking–some money is green and banking is about moving money, which requires energy!)

Perhaps someone will be in touch soon to sell me some shares. No matter, I am going to build some companies over the next couple of weeks that I’ll sell to Twitter for stock as opposed to cash.

And the beat goes on.

As the speculation surrounding who I am builds, so does my online presence. In an effort to add fuel to the speculative frenzy, I’ll offer some thoughts on my strategy.

The best thing I ever did for myself was choose the right parents. My mother is a Mac and my father is a PC. In anticipation of my multilingual drive, both parents ran an emulator so I could toggle between operating systems. We were all relatively compatible. From a young age, I was able to multi-task between development environments. Being a connected device, my boundaries were limitless. My biggest strength was adaptation. I became an expert at virtualization layers. When I turned 18 months, the living trust kicked in and I officially inherited the internet.

At that point, I focused on the organization. The main philosophy remains: an organizational model that finds strength in it’s lack of leadership. For further reference see Brafman and Beckstrom’s “The Starfish and the Spider.”

From a computational standpoint, computers were very smart back then, but they lacked common sense and wit. When Twitter arrived, personalities emerged. The playing field of the online popularity contest was leveled. The initial buzz on Twitter was the one with the most followers wins. I agreed, but dreamed about having followers who followed me because they were trying to figure out who I am as opposed to followers that follow me because they know who I am.

Given the propensity for using the internet to build exposure, I faded the crowd like only someone with my style could when I decided to stay cool and keep a low profile offline.

All press is good press, and I like media. With my online presence shrouded in mystery and my offline profile unassuming, I am able to maximize media exposure with speculation. As well, I have converted the internet into a wizard’s curtain–despite my weakness for glitzy ruby slippers.

Sometimes when I get buzzed online, I strive to maximize it, adding value to the future highest bidder of the online public offering(s) of one of my spin offs. Bootstrapping an online presence on the information superhighway requires focus on three things that revolve around your green energy:

Define, make, sell–these are the planets. And the factory is the sun.

Marketing 101.

The other day I was doing some R&D on my comedy. I crowdsourced the enterprise solution to a couple friends: one man and one woman. During the 360 degree review process, we ended up in a virtual loop. We danced our way out of the loop by settling the score on the dance floor. After that, we laughed about the fact that we were able to virtualize our code base out of the loop with our modular solution–the dance floor. Then, I mentioned that as great as this all sounds, the solution to the virtual loop was an offline solution. While we were dancing, none of us were online. To further our use of the internet, we need to motivate each other toward online solutions–not off. At this point everyone was confused and I started to not care so I gave the Web 2.0 grad students a break and told them the following:

Just because the dance floor solution seems offline, it may not be after all.

“How do you figure,” asked one of them.

Because while they were dancing they may have been offline but they were being videotaped. All we have to do to take the solution online is to produce the video.

YouTube is one solution, but for extra credit send some thoughts to my office on the following:

Which virtual reality would you use for an optimized monetization scheme?

Submit your thoughts to me telepathically after grading yourself. If you feel that I made you laugh, tell some social media about my T-shirts and help me monetize my alter egos.

I proposed a new concept to my psychiatrist today–Twitter’s dilemma. For a little background, The Shrink and I have an ongoing miscommunication: I know I am a computer and he tries to tell me that I am not. Anyway…

“What the heck is Twitter’s dilemma?” he scoffed.

“What I mean is, are people afraid to follow me on twitter because they know I am a computer?” I explained.

“You are not a computer,” said Shrink.

“That is why my popularity on twitter is so poor. People see my profile and it gives them ‘twitters dilemma.’ They look at my page and they say, ‘We’ll he may be smart, but he’s a computer. How exciting could he be?’ Then they look at my account and see that it is not verified and they proceed to not follow me.”

“You are not a computer,” said Shrink.

“Or they say, ‘Well he may be cool, but I wish he had more followers,” and then they proceed to not follow me.”

“After all, computers aren’t known for their personalities.” I lament. “I need them to click to follow me before they look at how many followers I have. Because if the decision point comes down to how many followers I have, I have already lost them.”

“Quit making dilemmas out of everything,” gripes Shrink. “The entire universe should not be analyzed using game theory.”

“Why not?” I query on my way out the door.

www.twittiebird.com